Palm Vx Handheld
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(read Part 1 here, part 2 here)

Technology is wonderful, no?  We carry more computing power in the palm of our hand than the entire shuttle that landed on the moon (that’s right, Neil Armstrong.  You would have been safer riding to the moon on an iPhone (there’s an app for that!))  And the best use of that power is, of course, keeping track of the ladies!

I had recently sold some textbooks and bought a Palm Vx with it.  Oh yeah, loving the monochrome!  Anyway, it occurred to me that I could write myself a reminder for, say, the next August and look for Heidi in the law library.  So, I wrote it down.

The rest of the semester, I sat with her now and then and we’d talk and get to know each other.  But I never asked her out because I didn’t think I’d see her again.  It just didn’t make sense to spend money on somebody else’s wife.

Well, summer came and I had a blast.  I had great roommates who invited me to their parties and I met lots of fun people.  I even dated a girl from Mexico that I met at a dance.  See, I have a different psyche when I speak Spanish and my Spanish psyche is way cooler than my English psyche.  If I ever run for political office, I’m going to do it in Spanish, with a translator.

Anyway, at the end of the summer I decided to move out my condo and into an apartment closer to campus.  I picked Liberty Square because it was close to campus and had a reputation as a fun place to live.  What I didn’t know until I moved in was that it was also a filthy stink-hole.  Well, just my apartment.  It was awful.

But, I had cool roommates and a great ward.  I was ready to enjoy myself and meet lots of new people.  You’ll notice I’m not mentioning Heidi much and there’s a reason for that:

I had forgotten about her.

She was all the way in Nevada and I was in Provo and somehow the memory had faded.  But, little did I know, salvation was to come from my pocket.  Because that’s where I kept my Palm Pilot.

One day in late August, the first Wednesday after school had started, I found myself walking into the law library.  As I did so, I was looking at my calendar to see what classes I needed to study for.  And what did I see?  A little note that said:

“Look for Heidi in the law library”

THAT’S RIGHT!!  I had completely forgotten about hot law library chick (yes, that was my nickname for her (while she wasn’t around))!  And I had her name, so I didn’t have to call her “hot law library chick”!  Well, this was one assignment I was going to ace.

I walked straight to our old table and found…nothing.  I looked at the next table and…nothing.  I looked at the next 5 tables and nothing.  But the 6th table had…nothing.  Finally, at the last table in the row, was seated…her.  The object of my affection for the last two months (not counting a break in the summer).

I walked right up to her with a smile and said, “Heidi, right?”

(to be continued)

April 2008 BYU Commencement, with {{w|Cecil O.
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(Read Part 1 here)

She said “no”, what did you think she said?  In other words, nobody was sitting there and I was welcome to sit down.  So I did.  And boy did we hit it off.  I was holding her in my arms, kissing her passionately, within 20 minutes.  It was unbelievable.

Because it didn’t happen.  Because for that to have happened, I would have had to talk to her.  And, as we know from Part 1, my psyche would never allow that to happen (you suck, psyche!)  So, for the first 30 minutes or so, we both sat there in silence, pretending to read our textbooks and ignoring the incredible attraction between us.

Well, I was doing that.  She was probably actually studying.  Yeah, she was studying.  But, after about 30 minutes, she took a break and then I pounced.  I introduced myself and started talking to her.  I have no idea what we talked about, but I came away with one piece of very important information:

She was a freshman.

Well, that sucked.  Not because of some stupid notion that I wouldn’t date a freshman or anything.  It was purely for practical reasons that I mourned my bad luck.  You see, I knew she would be going home to Nevada (pronounced “Nev-ah-dah”, Heidi gets upset if you mispronounce that)  and I would be staying in Provo.

We only had three weeks until school was out, which meant I had to develop a strong relationship with her in three weeks (possible but not probable), which probably wasn’t going to happen (have you met my psyche?)

My other option was to hope I could find her at BYU next year.  This was a fool’s dream.  Who knew if she would even come back to the Y or if she’d get married over the summer or move to a new apartment and study somewhere else?  Plus, there were about 33,000 students at BYU that year.  She was the needle in the BYU haystack.

Fortunately, although my psyche was doing me no favors, hers did, although I didn’t know it (more on that later).  Combined with the wonders of modern technology, I saw a glimmer of hope.

(to be continued)

Brigham Young University
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I met Heidi in March of 2000 (I think).  I had recently been engaged to a wonderful woman but it hadn’t been right.  After a lot of prayer, I decided to end it.  Which is why I was single when I walked into the BYU law library that fateful day in March.

Now, you’re saying to yourself, “m, you’re not an attorney.  “  To which I reply, no.  No, I’m not.  But an old roommate of mine, Brian, had clued me in to the fact that the law library is very quiet (they enforce the ‘no-talking’ thing) and there’s plenty of space.  So, I had been studying there for a few years.

I will freely admit I did not always concentrate when I was supposed to be studying.  I was very observant of the fauna, shall we say.  So, it was not out of character for me, as I sauntered in that day, to be looking around in all directions.

This time, however, as I was looking for an empty table near the back of the library, my eyes fell upon a radiant beauty just sitting there alone at first table at the end of a row.  I nearly fainted.  This being BYU, gorgeous women never sat alone, anywhere (unless she was married).  As was my habit, I checked the ring finger and found it completely naked.  Oh yeah.

Me being who I am, I completely dismissed her as out of my league.  I just walked on by (staring at her the whole time, of course) knowing I had not the slightest chance.  But, as I passed the huge pillar on my right that separated her from me, several thoughts struck me at once.  First, I was now single.  I hadn’t dated anybody since my engagement and was wondering if I ever would.

Second, I was a first-year senior (I had two senior years, thanks to wasting my freshman year), near the end of the year.  I only had one more year before I would leave what is the largest concentration of single Mormon women in the world.  And if I couldn’t find the right woman there, what hope had I?

Finally, and this is the thought that actually changed my mind, I thought to myself, “you only live once”.  Meaning, even if I was completely humiliated, at least I had tried.

(Look at the huge peek you’re getting into my psyche.  Nowhere in there is the thought, “she’d be lucky to have me!” or “I’ll bet she’d really like me!”  Of course, none of that was true, but still.  I didn’t even think thoughts in that direction.  WTH(ECK), PSYCHE!!)

Only a few steps past the pillar, I turned around, backpack in tow.  I walked up to the table, pulled out the chair at the other end of the table, on the opposite side of the table (so bold!), and asked “is anybody sitting here?”

I was dumbfounded by what she said…

(to be continued)

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Oslo, Norway – In a surprising move today, the Nobel Committee awarded the 2007 Nobel Prize In Economics to Thomas Malthus. One reason this award is shocking is simply because Malthus has been dead for almost 173 years. The Committee has given posthumous awards before, but has never reached this far back in time for an award candidate.

The other, and even more shocking, reason is that Malthus’ predictions about the demise of the human race due to food shortages have proven to be completely false.

In his “An Essay on the Principle of Population”, first published in 1798, Malthus predicted “The power of population is so superior to the power of the earth to produce subsistence for man, that premature death must in some shape or other visit the human race”.

Critics of the award have wondered aloud why the award was given to an economist who is so often mocked by modern economists, not only for making doomsday predictions about the future of the world and its population but for using flawed scientific theories and, some say, outright lies, to support his arguments.

In the citation, the Nobel committee stated, “While his methods were, at best, flawed and, at worst, downright dishonest and manipulative, we feel Mr. Malthus is probably the single individual who has done most to create greater worldwide understanding of the economic issues he was concerned with. Frankly, his determination to sacrifice his integrity for a cause that meant so much to him, despite it being a non-issue, really touched us. What a guy.”

Response from economists on the issue has not been positive. “I’ve worked for 25 years to study the effects of government intervention on welfare recipients”, said one University of Chicago economist, “and they give the prize to an irrelevant has-been? I may give up my tenure and join the ministry. Why go on doing this?”

Kenneth Arrow, professor of Economics at Stanford University, has threatened to sue the Committee for effectively devaluing his prize, which he won in 1972. “It’s worthless, now”, said Arrow. “If an idiot like Malthus can win, any bozo off the street with a pen could write a winning paper. Good heavens.”

Most notable economists have called for the creation of a prize that would reward research that not only breaks new ground in Economics, but is done transparently and openly with results that can be replicated. “Basically, we want a prize that does what we thought the Nobel Prize did before,” said Arrow.