Since Part 5 is still fresh in your memory, you’ll recall that I was stuck, thanks to the huge-osity-ous-nous of my hips and the small-ity of the opening I was required to go through to get into our attic and drop our electrical wire. Before me lay about 50 feet of attic. My mission was to drill two holes and drop down two different wires.
The first wire was for a new heater in the master bathroom. Tile floors are cold where we’re at and I was tired of having to use our ice pick to free h’s feet from the floor when she got up to tinkle in the wee (ha!) hours of the morning. So, we wanted to put in a heater.
Wire Number 2 was for our new power outlet in the hall. You see, the outlet around the corner from the hall, at the near-football field-ian distance of four feet from the new outlet, was not close enough for h’s evil designs. No, we had to have a new outlet in the hall, for which I would have to wriggle my fat hind parts in the attic.
Anyway, so I’m in the attic and I have the entire length of the house before me. As I said before, our roof is very not steep. This means there isn’t much room in the attic for maneuvering (oh yeah, spelled it right the first time! Eat that, Akila!). Therefore, I would have to belly crawl in the attic approximately 20 feet down and 20 feet back to install these wires.
Because of the last post, you are acquainted with, and no doubt enamored of, my keen art skillz (yup…they’re good enough to get a z instead of an s). Luckily, a good understanding of what I was going through is required, so you get to see these skillz in action again.
Basically, the roof supports and ceiling stud created a triangle through which I had to crawl. This wouldn’t have been too bad. I could have just belly-crawled my way along the studs, careful not to rest too long on the ceiling sheetrock in between, lest I fall through. However, you’ll see in the diagram above, there was a piece of metal in the middle of the stud that stuck up and had sharp teeth at the top. It looked like something Satan would wear as a retainer, thus the name. This meant I had to crawl, but without resting my torso on the stupid stud.
In other words, I had to balance on my entire huge-osity on my forearms and shins, each resting on 1-inch of stud. That’s right, 211.5 pounds (all muscle)(NOT TRUE, STOP THAT!) resting on, basically, 4 inches of bone. Don’t get me wrong, I was comfy, but I wanted to get that over with.
to be continued…
p.s. here’s a closeup of Lucifers Retainer, in case you think I’m exaggerating about how sharp it was:
You are HILARIOUS! And what the heck is that crocodile transformer thing?!
I see you got a dog… cute! What’s his name?